Almost Valentines Day

It's almost Valentines day.

The first time I had a real Valentine was when I was a freshmen in college. He was this guy, that I really really loved but for whatever reason we were playing the friend game. He sent me tons of flowers and a Shakespeare sonnet telegram I think.. I cant remember. It was so romantic and I was the envy of all the girls in my hall. I felt so special.

My 2nd Valentine was when I was a junior in college. We had been dating for a little over a month. We went to go see the Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore movie...Music and Lyrics I think it was called. Then I think we had dinner at some Italian restaurant, the details escape me. Overall, I think it was a good night.

My 3rd Valentine was with the same guy I shared my 2nd Valentine with, all I remember was that he bought me a Wii - it was a good Valentines day. I played Wii golf for months.

My 4th Valentines day I was alone. I cried most of the day then drank bubble tea and watched Lord Of The Rings.

My 5th Valentines day - well, that is on Monday and I'll let you know how it goes.

All these Valentines day stories surprise me because in all of them I was a spectator - all these things were happening to me. I didn't do much of anything, except for my 5th Valentine where I cried all day. I am not romantic, I love romance but I am not romantic. Are women supposed to be romantic? I've always thought that that's the guys job. All I have to do is show up in a sexy dress and you mister, are supposed to handle the rest of the evening.

Sipping Kool Aid

Like most Americans I did it, I went to college. Can I say like most Americans? Do most Americans go to college? Whatever, in my world they do. So like most Americans I went to college. I did it, I paid a ridiculous amount to learn things . I went to controlled environment far away from the nest to take a stab at individuality, growth and freedom. I can't say how much I learned and how it important it really is .. But all in all, I can attest that I did well. I did well in college. I studied and wrote papers and did readings. I have a plethora of over highlighted textbooks to prove it.

So here I am, almost three years later and I can safely say that I am not where I wanted to be. I am definitely NOT where I thought I'd be. A lot of this is because college does a terrible job managing expectations. At my commencement speech the speaker told us anecdotes of graduates before us being the new leaders of this country. He told us that we are the world. We are the future. We will shape tomorrow. We can do whatever we wish. Nothing is in our way. What A PIECE OF BULLSHIT. No one told me that when I graduated six months later, Id be laid off. Not because I lack talent (bc, I dont) but because the economy would collapse into the toilet. No one told me I'd be scrambling looking for a job as my six month grace period to all my student loans would end and that they would deny me unemployment deferment. So I'd be stuck paying tons of money in interest. No one told me that I'd lose my health insurance because once you turn 23 poof its gone, like it was never there ( I know, Obama did bring it back but I already have health insurance now, too little too late OB).

So basically NO ONE told me these things.

What I am saying now, the whole point of this entry really was that I am 24 years old, have a job, have health insurance, pay my bills BUT I feel unfulfilled - you know why? Because College did a terrible job at managing my expectations of what the future would be like. I thought I'd be a dot com millionaire by now, Id be sipping Kool Aid with Mark Zuck by now. I thought these things would happen. I thought my parents my would be proud by now. But here I am 24, unfulfilled.

SUPER DUPER Bowl

so I am not a big football fan, I've tried to be but football isn't a sport that particular tickles my fancy. I do, however, enjoy the SUPER BOWL - for a few reason, firstly, I mean its called the SUPER BOWL - the word "super" conveys some degree of awesomeness that I would like to partake in.. Secondly, I enjoy the parties, the food - I think any excuse to veg out in front of the t.v with friends and beer is fantastic! and finally, because of the Ad's, I find it comforting that brands spend millions of dollars to get my attention for 30 secs. Makes me feel powerful. ROAR, I am a consumer hear me ROAR.

This years I thought the Ad's were LAME. Especially the car Ad's, none of them made me want to buy a Chevy. I mean, c'mon car companies, you have millions of dollars make a funny Ad. Secondly, I did not enjoy any of the Dorito's Ads which is said bc they usually do such a good job.

The only Ad that I LOVED was the Sketchers one with Kim K.

Yes, I agree it was a little risky business but isn't that the point? You just paid 100 million dollars for 10 seconds on T.V what are you gonna do? My first answer would be, get Kim in a tight outfit here ASAP. I thought it was witty they way it insinuated indecent things. I don't think I'll buy sketchers because of it, but it made me chuckle and I'll probably post it on my facebook page and share it on twitter and it'll probably be going viral soon enough. Which is what a brand wants. Now when people see sketchers they'll associated them with sweaty sexy Kim K. and that is a good label to have.

k, the end ciao

memories made in the coldest winter

You are not it, even though, I tried desperately to make you him. You are not him, you are nothing.

Happily Ever After...

I have tried desperately to make this blog about bigger things. To talk about the world, politics, homelessness, taxation without representation but I stay steady and strong for a few days and then my attention shifts to the same old issues...matters of the heart.

Here I am again losing sleep over a boy. It seems like a constant theme in my life..boys..and how they did me wrong. As I tossed and turned playing back my most recent relationship in my head I couldn't help but wonder, when will this stop? When will this end?

I used to think that when I found him, the one and we lived happily ever after all this would end. It would have to, thats part of the deal, the term "happily ever after," makes that claim. But now I have come to realize that there is no happily ever after, its a myth, its like Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy. It doesn't exist!

As long as you are breathing and are interested in having an intimate relationship with another person you can kiss your beauty sleep good bye. As long as you make someone a priority in your life, as long as you claim to love someone (other than your mother - actually, even your mother), as long as you let someone else effect you...you simply cannot have peace.

So what do you do? Should I be a hermit? Should I find a cabin in the woods and spend the rest of my days there ? God, I wish I knew the answer.

Confidence

What does confidence look like?

Is it the way she walks? head held high, back straight and strong firm steps.

Is it the way she dresses? polished, clean and conscious.

Is it how she speaks? Smart and thoughtful always getting her point across.

Or maybe it is the sum of all these things.

But do the people who see her know that it is all just an act. Inside she is scared, insecure and unsure of herself.

Sorry..

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart